The more we try to make things seem “normal,” the more slippery normalcy becomes. My wife and I have been working like archeologists trying to rebuild our lives here on the East Coast. We follow the old blueprints of lives we used to live. These lives came before the cancer diagnosis, before the doctor’s appointments, and before I had to put my career on indefinite hold to fight for my survival.
One day we may spend doing some shopping and going to a movie. It’s strange when you begin to think of your life in terms of months or a couple of years. You treat time differently. Time becomes like a handful of foreign currency. The bills seem adorned with strange languages and leaders’ faces you don’t know. Some of this odd currency flows out of my possession so quickly, while other exotic coins linger waiting to be spent.
How do I spend this time? The more important question is, what is a waste of the time I have left? Of course you can drive yourself crazy with this line of thinking. Is going out to a movie worthwhile? Writing my blog? What about other creative projects? What about watching football? Every program on TV feels like junk food these days. You end up boxing yourself up into a hall of mirrors where nothing seems worthy. Real potential exists to just freeze up and not do anything at all with my time.
So all this leaves me with the the conclusion that “normal” is impossible. I can recognize that while still accepting normal things back into my life, bit by bit. So I strive to enjoy the small things and singular moments and continue to hope for the best.
Other General Updates:
1. I had an appointment with my family doctor today to get all of my meds straightened out.
2. Amy and I will be meeting with the oncologist up at Penn State Hershey Medical Center on Wednesday. We are nervous and anxious to hear what he will say about the next steps in this journey.
3. I still remain in a good bit of discomfort and pain from all of my various procedures and surgeries. I was, however, able to kick the oxygen tanks to the curb before our flight home and my oxygen levels have been much better now that we have come down from the altitude.
4. One more thank you to my my brother-in-law Tom and sister Jen for driving the moving truck back to PA for us.
5. A thank you in advance to all of the unloaders we will be getting together tomorrow to move our things into storage!
And finally to end with a poem I wrote
Cradle the sparks
inside your night
Covet the the shadows of broad day light
trace the hymns
behind what you see
and pray the prize frog free