couch chillThe more we try to make things seem “normal,” the more slippery normalcy becomes. My wife and I have been working like archeologists trying to rebuild our lives here on the East Coast. We follow the old blueprints of lives we used to live. These lives came before the cancer diagnosis, before the doctor’s appointments, and before I had to put my career on indefinite hold to fight for my survival.

One day we may spend doing some shopping and going to a movie. It’s strange when you begin to think of your life in terms of months or a couple of years. You treat time differently. Time becomes like a handful of foreign currency. The bills seem adorned with strange languages and leaders’ faces you don’t know. Some of this odd currency flows out of my possession so quickly, while other exotic coins linger waiting to be spent.

How do I spend this time? The more important question is, what is a waste of the time I have left? Of course you can drive yourself crazy with this line of thinking. Is going out to a movie worthwhile? Writing my blog? What about other creative projects? What about watching football? Every program on TV feels like junk food these days. You end up boxing yourself up into a hall of mirrors where nothing seems worthy. Real potential exists to just freeze up and not do anything at all with my time.

So all this leaves me with the the conclusion that “normal” is impossible. I can recognize that while still accepting normal things back into my life, bit by bit. So I strive to enjoy the small things and singular moments and continue to hope for the best.
Other General Updates:
1. I had an appointment with my family doctor today to get all of my meds straightened out.

2. Amy and I will be meeting with the oncologist up at Penn State Hershey Medical Center on Wednesday. We are nervous and anxious to hear what he will say about the next steps in this journey.

3. I still remain in a good bit of discomfort and pain from all of my various procedures and surgeries. I was, however, able to kick the oxygen tanks to the curb before our flight home and my oxygen levels have been much better now that we have come down from the altitude.

4. One more thank you to my my brother-in-law Tom and sister Jen  for driving the moving truck back to PA for us.

5.  A thank you in advance to all of the unloaders we will be getting together tomorrow to move our things into storage!

 

And finally to end with a poem I wrote

Cradle the sparks

inside your night

Covet the the shadows of broad day light

trace the hymns

behind what you see

and pray the prize frog free

jim2

 

5 Thoughts on “Chasing Normalcy

  1. Larry Walsh on October 7, 2014 at 3:28 am said:

    Jim,
    Your an incredible man. You have given so much of yourself to people like me. You remind me of the little things that are truly important in life. I pray for you and your family and can only hope the best for you all. As always, don’t ever stop writing or expressing how you feel. I’m hoping someday I can meet you.
    Larry

  2. Nancie Keegan on October 7, 2014 at 10:26 am said:

    So beautifully written! Stay positive amidst the unknown. Live each day to the fullest you can and live and enjoy the simplistic little things! Praying for you and your family

  3. Brian Miller on October 7, 2014 at 11:34 am said:

    Jim,
    I have struggled to put into words the feelings I felt the day Jen posted your diagnosis and the journey that lies ahead for you and your wonderful family. You don’t know me, but I know Jen and I am originally from Tunkhannock. I would like to share with you a piece of my journey, the journey I live everyday. First know you are not alone, many people wake up everyday, and they battle on, fight like hell, to survive, to live. Normal is what we make normal. I decided when I was diagnosed I would not go down without a fight and without spending every last breathe I had living for my girls. I too have daughters, four to be exact! You see I live everyday with the reality, if I get ill (I average a week in the hospital every 6 months) it could be my last day. Instead of focusing on that, I focus on making every moment count, giving my family, friends, and anyone I come in contact a piece of me, something to make them laugh, smile, and hopefully a little inspiration! Each day you walk your journey, it is a day you leave another piece of yourself with your wife, girls, sister, family, friends! I have found more joy since my illness, because I stopped living for me, and started living for others. You see I used to be all about me, but this wonderful gift happened, my illness. I have more clarity, as I am sure there are days you feel unclear, know this- everyday, every moment matters. God has plans for each one of us. I am at peace, as I know where I am going when my mission is complete. That gives me the strength I need to work on my legacy- my family! I am here if you want to talk, email, call or just vent. You are inspiring many people with your journey! Fight like hell, live for the moments, and smile- you are on the up side of the grass! God Bless!

  4. Rebekah Coval on October 7, 2014 at 1:07 pm said:

    Thank you for your honestly. I don’t know what is “worth your time”….but I am pretty sure that this writing is a true offering, and that is worthy.

  5. david trunk on October 7, 2014 at 2:48 pm said:

    I am walking a similar path before you. I can tell you I know the difficulties you face intimately. We share some of the same battle scars. Our families have suffered in many of the same ways. But God is true, full of mercy and grace. He has allowed this in our lives for a greater purpose. I have seen God’s people be encouraged and emboldened in their prayer lives as they have watched Him answer their specific prayers for my wife and I. This battle we face is not our own. We do not walk alone. The God of Angel armies is by our side.
    In prayer now for you and yours. David davidtrunk@hotmail.com rome pa.

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