dark dayOn a recent dark cold day I was listening to the Smith’s and savoring some sweet melancholy.

It’s funny how our relationship with feeling sad has changed so much as a society. We place ourselves on soft clouds of medication and float over most emotional canyons.

The poets and writers of the late 1800’s (Emily Dickinson, Herman Melville, Walt Whitman) really took the exploration of feeling depression to points of near ecstasy.

Teacher and writer, Timothy Morton once called depression, “frozen wisdom.” His point was that all sadness has something to tell us, but our suffering comes from waiting for it to melt.

But sorrow is a cocktail best sipped gently. Best enjoyed with a steady hand. Best sought and secured deliberately.

An old Zen proverb says “sometimes a man must burn down house in order to see the moon.” Maybe that is me with my terminal cancer. I’m just stretching to see the moon now.

When looked at like a secret symphony, my current situation produces  terrifying notes. I want to see my girls graduate. I want to walk them down the isle. I want to see my grandchildren. But deep within it’s rhythmic inner workings, the situation remains  just a song. I must hear it. All of it. Every note, no matter how sour. Along with every heartbreaking rest.

I yearn to hear the entire song in it’s full depth. To understand all of it and the dark reasons behind these events. Some days it only feels like I can isolate a key stanza. Or I can corner a single counter-melody. I trap it  and attempt to extract answers. But it’s all part of this greater sadness. A storm cloud I am not afraid to embrace. The melody is far too sweet on days like this.

With Fierce Hope,





2 Thoughts on “Every Day is Like Sunday

  1. JUDY T east on October 17, 2014 at 12:22 pm said:

    worked wit Jen at NPHS praying for you.

  2. Rebecca on October 18, 2014 at 1:01 am said:

    Jim , it’s Rebecca , Jen’s friend , I met you this Spring.
    First I’d like to let you know you have been and will
    Continue to be in my prayers. I can’t imagine
    What you and your family are going thru
    I only can send compassion and love to you along
    With my prayers. But I have to say your writing
    During this very difficult time is so touching
    And heartfelt it sends spirit chills through me
    As well as countless others. Your words are
    Going to help so many other people sick or
    Not , you have a beautiful gift and how
    Generous it is of you to share it with us all
    Thank you so much . And may God be with
    You now and on your continued journey .
    I feel very greatful to have met you and
    To call your sister one of my dearest friends
    God Bless you, Rebecca

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