How Much Time Do I Have?
jimbridge2Time is funny. Before my terminal cancer diagnosis, having another birthday was something I didn’t get that jazzed about. Birthdays after 40 are just reminders we are getting old. However, my new reality has me looking at my 43rd birthday in a new light.

If you would have told me I was going to survive to 43 in October I may not have believed you. Things looked bleak. But now, I see my birthday as a survival waypoint. This is a day for which to be joyous. I also come into it with some trepidation. What if this is my last one?

We asked the doctor a while back about how much time I have to live. He wouldn’t give a clear answer. The most we have to go on is statistical charts. Those give me an 11% chance of living another year. But that chart must be taken with a grain of salt. I am lumped in with many 80 and 90 year olds in that number. I don’t have many of the other complicating medical factors that older folks have.

I’ve been lucky lately as the weather hasn’t been so brutal as to keep us indoors. I’ve been playing soccer outside with the girls. Each moment is gold. It’s hard not to want to squeeze more out of each moment than is possible. The situation makes you want to milk the moments dry. The slight desperation in the background becomes like a driving wave of feeling. It becomes a wave of wanting more. I want more days outside. I want more birthdays like April 30th, 2015.

Other updates:

  1. I’ve been flooded with birthday cards. These have been such a lift for me! Thank you.
  2. I wasn’t able to do chemo this week. My blood platelets are too low. Ironically, it is the chemo that causes this to happen, and when it happens I can’t get the chemo. Missing treatments means the tumors could be rebounding. For now it is a waiting game to see if my counts will be high enough to get treatment next week.
  3. We finally got ourselves moved over to the new house. It is nice having the extra space, and we are so grateful for the help we got from so many people to make this move possible.

One Thought on “How Much Time Do I Have?

  1. I must tell you I was diagnosed with stage 4 IBC (inflammatory breast cancer. I was fortunate to be able to have my treatments at MS Anderson Cancer Center in fan Houston, TX. Where I lived. I was told that I had 6 months to a year. Less than a 1 in 3 chance to survive. I might add that through the Grace of God, in July into will be 20 years! I too had the same problem of having my blood platelets to low to have my chemo. It was a scary time for me also. I have outlived my oncologist who gave me my diagnosis. Just keep the faith that has gotten you this far. I pray for you and your family ever day.
    Knowing your Mother during our high school days, and finding her again after all these years. I know you have her gumption and will power to do this for your self and your family. ♡
    Sincerely,
    Elaine

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