How Much Time Do I Have?
Time is funny. Before my terminal cancer diagnosis, having another birthday was something I didn’t get that jazzed about. Birthdays after 40 are just reminders we are getting old. However, my new reality has me looking at my 43rd birthday in a new light.
If you would have told me I was going to survive to 43 in October I may not have believed you. Things looked bleak. But now, I see my birthday as a survival waypoint. This is a day for which to be joyous. I also come into it with some trepidation. What if this is my last one?
We asked the doctor a while back about how much time I have to live. He wouldn’t give a clear answer. The most we have to go on is statistical charts. Those give me an 11% chance of living another year. But that chart must be taken with a grain of salt. I am lumped in with many 80 and 90 year olds in that number. I don’t have many of the other complicating medical factors that older folks have.
I’ve been lucky lately as the weather hasn’t been so brutal as to keep us indoors. I’ve been playing soccer outside with the girls. Each moment is gold. It’s hard not to want to squeeze more out of each moment than is possible. The situation makes you want to milk the moments dry. The slight desperation in the background becomes like a driving wave of feeling. It becomes a wave of wanting more. I want more days outside. I want more birthdays like April 30th, 2015.
- I’ve been flooded with birthday cards. These have been such a lift for me! Thank you.
- I wasn’t able to do chemo this week. My blood platelets are too low. Ironically, it is the chemo that causes this to happen, and when it happens I can’t get the chemo. Missing treatments means the tumors could be rebounding. For now it is a waiting game to see if my counts will be high enough to get treatment next week.
- We finally got ourselves moved over to the new house. It is nice having the extra space, and we are so grateful for the help we got from so many people to make this move possible.